And Christ Said Unto Him, ‘Discharge Thy Weapon!’

The Virginia Tech Massacre may be the greatest tragedy ever to befall a university campus. On 16 April 2007, Seung-Hui Cho, an undergraduate with severe untreated mental illness, killed 32 students and wounded dozens more. The magnitude of the crisis was such that even President Bush moved to strengthen federal gun control laws.

In the wake of the killings, surviving victims and those affected sought the comfort of family, friends, and clergy. Those who turned to Pastor Fischer for solace received the tastelessly titled screed, ‘Second Amendment: Designed for Virginia Tech,’ complete with an inlaid image of a handgun juxtaposed with the Virginia Tech logo.

In his pious epistle, Fischer declares boldly that ‘disarmed Americans are defenseless Americans’ while chiding Virginia Tech officials and Virginia lawmakers for not permitting students and faculty to ‘carry concealed handguns on campus.’

While most commentators questioned how such a tragedy could occur or how a young man’s severe mental illness could persist untreated, Fischer took the high-ground and urged everyone to start packing concealed heat. Yes Bryan, what we need is for university students to carry 9mm Colts.

Kids, just be sure the safeties are securely engaged during keg stands and bong hits.

In our favorite paragraph, Fischer applauds the heroism of Professor Liviu Librescu, who died in the shooting, also noting irrelevantly that he was a Holocaust survivor. Fischer invokes the teachings of Jesus, quoting John 15:13: ‘Greater love hath no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friends.’ He follows with the observation, ‘It is certainly unfortunate and tragic that the professor had only his body but no weapon with which to defend himself and his students.’

Really, Bryan? You’re quoting Jesus and lamenting that Librescu failed to carry a 12-gauge to class in the same paragraph?

The ICV Editors would like to urge all trash collectors, post carriers, utilities workers, and Democrats to tread carefully around Fischer’s property, lest you spook him into discharging a few Christly rounds from his concealed weapon.