Monday, April 13, 2009

We Didn’t Start the Fire?

If you’ve ever wondered how Bryan Fischer, an affluent, white Christian living in the United States, has come to conceive of himself as a beleaguered minority, be free of your befuddlement. Fischer has set himself up in opposition to even his conservative Christian cronies in his continuing efforts to divest himself of the taint of rational thought.

The shibboleth separating ideologues still on first-name terms with reality from our friend Fischer is global warming. Under the heading “Reducing CO2: ineffective, harmful to the poor," he claims there exists “a growing realization in the scientific community that climate change is a result of cyclical factors which are independent of human activity.”

The scientific community begs to differ, Mr. Fischer. *

It’s all irrelevant anyway, because “CO2 is not in fact a pollutant - it is plant food.” More plant food means more produce to “feed the world’s poor”!

It would be easy to delve into the dangers of too much of a good thing, but in the interests of holding your attention, Mr. Fischer, I’ll confine myself to clichéd aphorisms: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. For instance, while some people might quite enjoy, say, being fisted, I imagine that you would object most strenuously.

So if you’ll take the liberty of imagining the world as your own rectum, Bryan—may I call you Bryan?—global warming would be the fist.

*In case an actual scientific publication is too much for you, here’s the kid’s page, courtesy of Nickelodeon.

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